The sender of this hate mail didn't leave a name, but judging from his web address, Undisclosed@collegeclub.com, I will assume that his name is Dan Undisclosed. We'll just call him Dan The Man. I could tell from his use of words like, "playa" that Dan aspires to be a rapper some day, just like his favorite rap star, L.L. Cool J. Dan doesn't live in the hood though. He is a middle class white boy of about 13 or 14. His combined purchases of Clearasil last quarter caused a 137 point rise in share prices for that company's stock, forestalling layoffs for hundreds of workers. When Dan isn't busy popping pimples, he enjoys looking at transsexual pornography and microwaving cats. Dan has had even less sex then I. In fact, he has never even had sex. It is questionable if he ever will have sex with a human being. But that doesn't bother him too much, as he enjoys a happy and healthy sex life with his pets. Some day he dreams of owning a sheep, or, if he can afford one, a Pigmy Marmoset, as this — the smallest of monkeys, has orifices he can fit into without it feeling like the Grand Canyon.

Revision (04/23/02): Shortly after posting this I had my friend at LPT look at it, and it was his opinion that this person genuinely wanted to know whether I was that sad. Because of this, I have removed identifying information from the post. It remains questionable to me whether this really is a genuine piece of hate mail. I did not reply to this individual. It is not the policy of The Fruitcake Outlet to respond to hate mail, or even suspected hate mail. We don't even like to respond to love mail.