Chris, your webmaster at LPT recently begged me to write a rant for his web site, with a slant towards lying. I don't know the first thing about lying or liars, so I just sort of weaseled out of it by saying, "I'll think about it." But then I felt guilty. Catholics are always talking about their guilt, but at least they can obtain absolution. I am Jewish, and a Jew must carry his burden to the grave. He must also learn all this God-awful crap for this thing they call a bar mitzvah, and have a big chunk of his penis severed off when he's a baby. It must have been HORRIBLE! And people call you a Jesus Killer too. "I'm sorry," you tell them. "I didn't mean to kill your God. It's just that, he, being a JEW, wouldn't stop whining, and I say, 'Jesus, shut the hell up. One more word, Jesus ... one more word about not having enough water to convert into wine, and I swear to God, Jesus I'm gonna take this bar mitzvah manual and use it whack you upside the head. And when I've beaten you senseless I'll use the bar mitzvah manual to bang in the nails of that cross over there.'" I really didn't mean to kill the guy. I just wanted to shut him up. But they will never forgive me for this. Never.

Regarding the lie that I'm supposed to talk about here ... I need to be heavily medicated, so I have a lot of experience with pharmacies. Recently, I went down to Florida and was amazed that CVS was not the only pharmacy. In Massachusetts, where I live, CVSs litter the landscape, and they continue to prolifically propagate like the weird pink stuff that grows in my bathtub ... or, say, the writing of Joyce Carroll Oates. It's truly horrifying. Several years ago, CVS instituted something called Rapid Refill™. This is not however an adequate description of what Rapid Refill™ is, because it is neither rapid nor do you always get your refill. A more fitting name would be Slow Refill That You Don't Always Get™. The idea behind Rapid Refill™ is that you call in to a computer automated phone system, punch your prescription number into your phone, and your prescription will be waiting for you when you get there. In theory this is a great idea, because you avoid having to deal with a human being. However, in practice it's flawed. CVS lets the Rapid Refill™ orders pile up for a while before they even look at them. This information comes to me from a CVS employee in Newton Center. When I explicitly asked her if it would've been faster ordering through a human being, the answer was "Yes." The real problem however with Rapid Refill™ is not that it is not Rapid, but that you don't always get your refill. On two occasions I have used Rapid Refill™ and they had no records of having received the call. An old lady in front of me, another victim of Rapid Refill™ almost had a nervous breakdown when she learned that her Rapid Refill™ request had failed also. (I bet you she was on Valium.) Furthermore, if they either don't have the drugs to cover your prescription or there is a problem with your insurance, they never call you to let you know. So you waste a trip to he CVS. This has happened to me on many occasions. The situation gets even worse. During the daytime it is rarely possible to reach a human being, so you are forced to use Rapid Refill™. I believe Rapid Refill™ is nothing but a horseshit scheme to cut costs associated with customer service. When I was a kid there was an interesting dirty joke. It went like this: "Why do dogs lick their balls?" The answer: "Because they can." Why does CVS treat customers like shit with Rapid Refill™? Because it is a monopoly, and they can.