Website
Review:
The Fruitcake Outlet has awarded male-masturbation-techniques.com
the prestigious Exhausted Fingers award for its excruciatingly long domain
name. It also was a runner up in the coveted Domain Names that Cause Uncontrollable
Vomiting award.
male-masturbation-techniques.com provides 13 methods for a male to masturbate, along with a multitude of porn sites he can go to, to find fodder. You can find a listing of their masturbation techniques here. I have reviewed each one of them below.
Virtual Vagina
Caused me a very embarrassing visit to the emergency room.
Rosy Palm
They say "this produces a unique type of orgasm." And they were right. It produces an orgasm without an ejaculation, contractions, or pleasure. In fact, this orgasm was so subtle that I didn't even know when I had it.
Endless Vagina
They should've called this the Nonexistent Vagina, because I didn't feel anything which remotely resembled a vagina.
Popping the Cork
Another very embarrassing visit to the emergency room.
Static Charge
I've seen enough of the emergency room, thank you.
Tip Tracing
It ruined what otherwise would've been a perfectly nice orgasm.
Belly Rub
That just sucked.
Milk It
Sorry. Lactose intolerant.
Twister
They say, "Note: This method can be messy when you ejaculate," but I wouldn't worry about that ever happening.
Steam Bath
Where's all the "sublime pleasure"? I didn't even feel any ordinary pleasure.
Tap Through
You can tap all you want, but there's nobody home.
Igloo
This involves ice cubes. Too scary. Sorry...
Sack in Hand
I used to be able to have
children...
Look, let me give you men a word of advise from someone who has had way too much experience with masturbation: There's only one way to masturbate. It sucks, but it's all you got. All I can say is that I'm with you in spirit my poor, pathetic, masturbating brethren. Perhaps God in his infinite mercy will some day grant us the gift of a girlfriend, or at least have a piano dropped on our heads.
Dickie Richards
3/11/2002
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